Thursday, March 18, 2004
MOURNING A LOSS
In my last Post I said I was mourning a loss. It is not the loss of a person or the loss of a relationship (although that has happened recently also.) Rather, this loss is of an inanimate, intangible nature.
Whenever we suffer loss of any kind we go through stages of grief: shock and denial; guilt and anger; depression and acceptance. This is true no matter the type of loss. It may be the death of a loved one, a friend or a pet; the loss of a relationship; the loss of a limb due to illness or accident; the loss of a job or a position within a job. It may be the loss of a spouse through divorce or a child leaving home for college. Any loss can plunge us into grief of varying intensity. Then we must go through the stages of grieving.
Not everyone goes through each stage of grieving in a set order. Nor does everyone spend an equal amount of time in each stage. Depending on the type and intensity of the loss, not everyone goes through every stage. The degree to which we experience each stage of the grieving process depends on the severity of the loss.
A very good friend – I would even call him my very best friend – has written an almost daily Journal, lacking only two days of being exactly two and one-half years. It is a very well written Journal; definitely worth the time spent reading it. My friend is very intelligent and an excellent writer. His Journal covers a wide variety of topics – things he has been personally doing, his emotions and feelings about things going on in his life and in the world around him. He has intelligently discussed relevant topics and issues in his local area and in the world. He has discernment and sound judgement.
For very good reasons my friend has decided that at least for now he will no longer write his Journal. This is the loss I mourn. It is not that my friend has done any thing wrong by discontinuing his Journal. He has very good reasons for discontinuing it at this time. It is the right thing for him to do.
But I have suffered a loss, nonetheless. It was a bright spot in my day to be able to open the Journal and read it. I looked forward to reading the Journal. Often I would go to the Journal several times a day and digest its contents. I have read every entry he ever made – all 500 of them.
Now I can no longer anticipate some new entry that will stimulate my own thinking. Actually my friend’s Journal was the motivation for the semi-regular entries in this Journal. When I began reading his Journal it was as though the floodgates were opened in my mind. I wanted to express my thoughts, too.
My friend lives a long way from me. The Journal was a way to keep in touch with him. A way to know what he was doing; what he was thinking and feeling about various subjects and issues. Through the Journal I came to know my friend very well and to understand him better. I am mourning the opportunity to keep in almost daily touch with my friend.
When a person mourns a loss, in some form he does go through the stages of grief I previously mentioned. I have thought about my mourning the loss of the Journal in relation to those stages of grief:
1) SHOCK? No. My friend had indicated to me that he might be coming to a time when he would no longer write the Journal.
2) DENIAL? Yes. I am experiencing some degree of denial. I still find myself going to the Journal several times a day to see if he has changed his mind and has written something after all.
3) GUILT? No. Nothing I did or didn’t do caused the loss of the Journal. I am no part of the reason my friend no longer writes the Journal. I don’t think so anyway.
4) ANGER? No. I have no reason to be angry with any of this. Anger is not relevant to this particular loss. It’s his Journal; he can do with it what he wants. Besides, I am not an anger-prone person anyway.
5) DEPRESSION? Yes, I can admit to some depression. I am a bit depressed to think I will no longer be able to read my friend’s Journal on a near-daily basis. I won’t know what he is experiencing, what he’s thinking and feeling about various issues and events. That is kind of depressing. I have a certain fear we may lose touch. I hope not. He is a person worth knowing and having as a friend.
6) ACCEPTANCE? Yes. I am beginning to move to the point of accepting that the Journal is no more. My grief is beginning to subside. Writing this Post is helping.
Other languages have more adequate words to express shades of meaning than does the English language. In English, the word, “farewell” has a ring of finality to it. It usually indicates that something will be no more. We lack a really good word to express a temporary departure. Sometimes we say, “So long,” or “See you”.
In Spanish there is “manana” – tomorrow. The French say, “au revoir”, or
“a bientot”.
I do hope the time will come when my friend will write in his Journal again. Until then I would say to my friend’s Journal, “Au revoir”, “a bientot”, “See you manana”, “So long!”
Thank you, my friend.
Jim
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