Sunday, January 04, 2004
HELPLESSNESS—HUMILITY
I have been so depressed. I think I have mentioned the sadness that has settled on me. Part of it is my helplessness because of my recent rotator cuff surgery. There has been so little I could do for myself. I have needed help showering, help at the sink with stuff, help getting dressed, putting on my socks and shoes, tying my shoes—everything like that. Someone has to cut up my food, belt me into the car seat with the seatbelt when we go somewhere. I feel just like a 2-year old! And Karon says it is like having a 2-year old around!
Sometimes I just want to cry! Sometimes I do.
I am improving. I am beginning to be able to do a little more for myself now. But I feel so worthless and helpless! Karon has been so good to help me. I had to have my oldest daughter take me Christmas shopping and she even had to wrap my gifts for Karon. And Karon had to wrap everything else!
This sling and the resulting inability to do the simplest tasks have affected my presentation of the Word at church. This was totally unexpected! I have worn slings previously. I didn’t think it was such a problem then. But the past three Sundays have not gone well as far as the presentation is concerned. It seems to be going downhill. I think my content has been good but I have fumbled in the presentation. This really disturbs me! Nothing should interfere with people receiving and understanding God’s Word. I’m not sure what the answer is. Should I step out of the pulpit for a while? I just don’t know. I’m going to try yet another week. Hopefully the presentation will improve. I’ve been praying about that. You can be sure I’ll be praying about that this week!
So my stress and depression have come because of my helplessness. I confessed this feeling to my prayer/accountability partner and to my friend, Tubbs. Both were so helpful. Their prayers are helping. Both told me what I already knew but about which I needed to be reminded. And that is….
God is teaching me humility. He, who made me, knows how often I need that lesson! I struggle regularly with my pride. I wish it weren’t so. But if God can help me to be less prideful and more like Christ, I should be thankful. I am thankful. I just hope I learn the lesson – again!
Jim
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