Sunday, October 26, 2003
THE WEDDING
A week ago yesterday, Saturday, October 18th, my Prayer and Accountability Partner got married. He is not just my Prayer and Accountability Partner. He is my best friend. He is the only best friend I have ever had so far. He’s the only Prayer Partner and best friend I’ve ever wanted. Probably the only one I’ll ever have or want. He’s “The Best”. God brought him into my life in a very unexpected way and at an unexpected time. He made the connection between us. God put the love in my heart slowly for this best friend. God has cultivated that love, grown it and sustained it. It is there to stay!
My Prayer Partner/Accountability Partner/Best friend is also my hero. I want to be like him in so many ways. I try to be like him, to do things like he does. His opinions and approval mean a lot to me. His prayers and his accountability toward me have sustained me in life. I owe this man so much. And he is so much younger than I. Yet that doesn’t seem to matter to him. I know it doesn’t to me.
Sadly, I’ve hurt him, too. He’s forgiven me, I know. But I am having difficulty forgiving myself. I know I can’t forget it. I live with the awful memory of it. I hate that I thoughtlessly said and did what I did. But I can’t undo it.
He is my alter ego. He is the quintessential friend and Christian. This great guy has let me bare my heart and soul to him. I’ve let him see way inside me, inside my heart, my “guts”, where only one other (my dear Internet friend) has ever been allowed. Because of this, he has helped me grow to a holiness and a purity I’ve never before achieved – and never would have achieved if he hadn’t invested his life in me.
I had never loved or trusted a friend like this guy until God put him in my life.
I write all this with a heart full of emotion; with tears in my eyes, crying in my heart. I’ve been crying for a long time.
Why am I writing this? I don’t know. I have wanted to tell my best friend all these things. I’ve tried, but I get all emotional and can’t say what’s in my heart. Yet he’ll possibly never read this. I don’t know.
I’m also writing this because I’m grieving. I still want him to be my best friend. But now he’s married. I feel like I’ve lost him. I love him so and I’m hurting so. Oh, I’m so happy for him. He has married a wonderful girl. I have to fight to not be jealous of her because she gets to some of the time with him I used to get to spend. Yep, I’m jealous. I know its wrong, but I am. I’ll work on letting God help me overcome that.
The most frustrating thing is that no one seems to understand my feelings or why I would even feel the way I do. I feel so alone because my friend is married and because no one seems to understand how I feel or why I would feel this way. So I’m hurting. And no one seems to care. (Well, my faith says God cares. And I’m relying on my faith to get me through this time. But I am so weak right now.)
It was a beautiful wedding. My friend gave me the extreme privilege and honor of having a part in the ceremony. He will never know that just allowing me to do that is what let me get through the day. I cried a lot before the wedding ceremony, a little during the ceremony and a lot again afterward.
It was the most Christian wedding I have ever been privileged to be a part of. It was so godly and Christ-centered from start to finish, and everything in between. The wedding party was absolutely a terrific witness. It is a positive reflection on both the Bride and Groom that they had such great Christian friends in their party. Every action, every word, every toast—just everything said and done by their friends in the wedding party was so Christian. Christ was so much at home at that event.
I am praying my friend and I will continue to have a strong friendship and relationship now that he is married. I pray that he and his wife will have a great relationship with my wife and me. I am praying so hard that he will want to continue to be my Prayer and Accountability Partner. I want to continue to be His. But will we? I just don’t know. I pray so.
Right now I feel such a loss. I feel so alone. I am hurting. I am grieving. I hope for comfort and relief soon. But maybe this feeling of loss and hurt will never go away. I just don’t know.
But I am so happy for my friend. I am praying that they have a safe and enjoyable Honeymoon trip. Oh, gosh, how I love him!
I don’t think I can write any more without really bursting out crying. And I don’t want to have to explain why I am crying to people around me.
Sorry this is such a stinkin’ post!
Jim
posted by jim 6:11 PM 0 comments
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