Monday, July 28, 2003
ACQUAINTANCES; FRIENDSHIPS; RELATIONSHIPS
I have been thinking a lot lately about the above words. I think I use the word “friend” carelessly. I think most people do. When I really think and study about the word “friend” it has a much deeper, more significant meaning that the way most of us casually toss it around.
If someone were to ask, ”How many friends do you have,” most of us would say something like, “A lot; quite a few.” But what we would really be saying in most cases (without knowing it usually) is that we have a lot of acquaintances but very few friends. At least in the context of what the word “friend” has come to mean to me and what it seems to mean in the Biblical sense.
As I consider my life, I have really very few “friends”, but a whole lot of very good acquaintances. That doesn’t mean there is something wrong with the relationship I have with these many “acquaintances”. Really, they are very excellent and satisfying relationships. It just means that these “acquaintances” don’t meet what I consider to be the test of “friendship”.
As I think of Jesus’ time on earth, He had a lot of “acquaintances” but few “friends”. He chose 12 that they might be with Him and carry on His work. From these 12 he chose 3 who occasionally shared special experiences with Him—like the Transfiguration and the night of prayer in Gethsemane. And one of those 3, John, unashamedly and consistently referred to himself as “the disciple whom Jesus loved.” And that title was never challenged.
We know, too, that there were 3 others who were very special to Jesus, in whose home He was always welcome and where He frequently went for some “R & R”. That was the home of Mary, Martha and Lazarus in the town of Bethany. Jesus must have been incredibly comfortable in the presence of these 3 because He frequently sought their company and their home as a sanctuary and retreat on many occasions. I think these 3 qualify as “friends of Jesus”, as do the Apostles, especially the 3 in the “inner circle”. He one time told the Apostles, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Then a bit later He said, “…I have called you friends,” and He defines another of His criteria of friendship – openness, honesty and transparency. (John’s Gospel, chapter 15)
In the last year or so, especially in this last month, I have come to realize how really important true friends are. And I believe that any of us will have only a very few in a lifetime—probably not even as many as Jesus had.
So I’ve had to ask myself some questions in thinking about this subject. Questions like, “How many friends do I really have?” Who are they? What is it that makes them friends?” And then I realize in trying to answer this question that there are people whom I would call friends who possibly (maybe even likely) would not call me “friend”. WOW! That also makes for some disturbing thoughts.
I’ll tackle some of these questions in this and future Blogs. Today I’ll tackle the first. “Who are my friends?” I have heard preachers say, and I have read, that your wife is supposed to be your best friend. I’ve thought a lot about that one over the years. As controversial as this is going to be, I don’t think I agree with that. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t like or love my wife—I do. And some of the characteristics I have come up with regarding friends certainly do apply to the “husband-and-wife” relationship. But I think there are enough differences between husband and wife relationship and the relationship between friends that these 2 relationships are quite different in many respects.
So, I come back to it, “Who are my friends?” Well, not my children either. I firmly believe that God never called us to be “friends” with or to our children. He called us to be parents. Here again, there is a vast difference as I have experienced it, having raised 3 wonderful daughters. I never had any sons. Maybe it is different with a Dad and his boys—but I seriously doubt it. The parent-child relationship is not the same as the “friend-to-friend” relationship; though again, there are similarities.
In trying to address this subject, I began by using Jesus’ criteria, “For whom would I willingly give my life?” (John 15:13) This isn’t the same as the soldier in war or the person who in the heat and emotion of a crisis situation would jump in and do something heroic without thinking in order to save a life or lives. I am talking about a calculated decision to give up one’s life willingly for another. I think everyone should think this question through and come up with an answer for himself.
I identified 5, now maybe 6; but only two of them I would classify as my “friend”. They are: my wife and 3 kids; definitely my prayer and accountability partner, whom I love dearly. And now there is one other person whom I believe is rapidly coming into this category of a “friend”, for whom I would willingly and gladly lay down my life and consider it a privilege to do so. That is my friend whom God gave me recently through an unlikely “connection”. The first 4 are family and that, to me makes them in a different category from the latter 2, whom I consider my “friends”.
So, is that the only criteria to be able to classify someone as a “friend”? To be willing to intentionally give my life for that person? No. That may be the highest test of an ultimate friendship. (I may have started at the end and am working backward. That would be so like me!) But Jesus gives some other criterion as well. I will “think out loud” about some of these in a later Blog.
So if I had a Biblical friendship, what would it look like? That’s what I want to write about in future Blogs. This isn’t anything like a “final authority” on this subject. I’m still trying to think my way through this and come to some godly understanding. I really need to do this because “friend” and “friendship” have come to mean a lot more to me in the last few months. That is because of a connection God made a month or so ago between me and another person in a very unlikely venue, which I referred to above. Also, because in the last few months, through my own emotional stupidity, I “blew” and nearly lost the most precious and meaningful friendship I have ever had. It has devastated me. I’m praying that God will reconcile us and restore the relationship. (I think this is beginning to take place!)
I am still thinking through the question, “How many friends do I really have?”
But I’ve thought enough for one entry! I have a headache again. (Ouch!) I always like to make that seem like I’ve over-exerted my brain—which you and I both know is not true!”
Jim
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